Not hating, Just stating…

It is 5 AM & I am FIRED UP!

I was watching my normally fair & balanced NBC 4 News. They were discussing the serious flooding in the midwest as they showed miles and miles of homes and buildings under water and a handful of older white people. I found myself wondering: “where are the surivors?  Why aren’t they calling those people refugees?” I wondered if these people got more advanced notice of the levees breaking or had the means to leave their homes or any number of things. I know there aren’t as many people per square mile in Whatdafuk, Missouri as there are or WERE in New Orleans, but what happened to those people? In the next story, I got my answer, KIND OF…

The next story was about shovings that took place in Milwaukee between people who misheard that there would be free food vouchers given out for people who lost food in the floods. 2 questions: Milwaukee flooded? Why are you SHOVING?

They show the lines and all of the people are black. WHY is this NEWS? Why is this the story you show after showing the LAKE that is Smalltown, Missouri? WHY hadn’t I heard anything about anything happening in black areas of the midwest up until now? WHY am I so surprised?

I am about to rewind my DVR because 30 minutes later, I am still ASTOUNDED! I <3 DVR it makes me feel so sane where as usually I’d think to myself : “I KNOW I didn’t see what I thought I just saw.” The “story” lasted all of 30 seconds, but it was enough to spark a blog. What the hot buttered TOAST was THAT about? I feel like I need more information on this flooding ordeal. Because something isn’t sitting right with me.

I’m borin! I haven’t always been, but as I was kicking back in the bed Thursday evening in my customary wifebeater and underwear ensemble discussing the role of religion in my current relationship via TEXT, I realized how BORING I have become.

Just last year, on a typical summery Thursday, I would have been sipping margaritas at the rooftop happy hour before heading downstairs to party like it was 1999 until I officially called it a night at around 11:30/12 AM. The girls and I would be posing for pics and giggling with fellas then talking about them as sooooon as their backs were turned; typical “us”. Fast forward to 2008, yesterday I went on part 2 of my quest for Brown Stew Chicken similar to what I had on vacation, then headed home to watch Semi-Pro and unpack, FINALLY. By 7, I was in the bed watching Michelle Obama co-hosting Wednesday’s episode of “The View” on DVR while intermittently texting my friend Mimi about how PHONY Elizabeth Hasselbeck was and how AMAZING a mom First Lady Obama seemed to be. At around 8, the conversation turned to religion in our relationships. She was discussing how religion SAVED hers and I talked about how it was threatening mine. I realized two things:

1. This was a very HEAVY conversation to have via text.
2. It was a warm lovely Summery Thursday and I was in the bed before 8.

That was when I realized how much I have changed. Instead of gettin’ low with her, I was getting deep. Instead of taking shots at a crowded bar, I sip wine alone in my living room. Instead of committing random acts of sexy at the local clubs on Girls’ Night Out, we have Girls’ Night In and discuss politics, poetry, and periods.

I prefer happy hours and lounges to the club, but it is hard to get me to go anywhere these days. I used to powernap after work in order to be ready to get my drink and my 2-step on until the wee hours without looking like whodunnit @ work the next day. I now pass out around nine and DVR all of my reality tv shows to watch after work the next day. I used to looooove buying the new new to wear to the club and hardly ever wore the same dress twice. I now buy more work clothes and chill clothes than club clothes and will throw on any of my previous “club dresses” on the RARE occasions I do go to the club now. I don’t even like the whole flirting scene anymore. I fell into a relationship and any other man just isn’t worth the energy.

I have the same interests as before, they are just reprioritized. Craft shows take precedent over the club. Going to dinner has replaced going to happy hour. Girls’ Night In has replaced Girls’ Night Out. DVR watching has replaced boy watching. ILB now stands for I’m Like BORING (Inside joke)! And I am okay with that. I officially have hobbies and interests that don’t involve U Street or Ciroc. I am officially in my been there, done that stage. And I like it! I love it! I want more of it!

BRING ON THE BORING!!!!

What is going on with people’s mindstates lately? In the past 2 days I have come across some of the RUDEST, MISINFORMED people. I work in a government agency where our customers are other government employees, but because the people upstairs see me as an administration peon, they tend to forget who is really in the driver’s seat. I AM! So take your superior attitude and SHOVE IT!

There was a young lady that came down to the lowly bowels of the basement yesterday supposedly to check on her print job and send a message from HER superior. She looks like she had recently stroked out & her weave was a mangled mess pulled back into a ponytail that brought to mind matted squirrel tails. And the ever-flirtatious supervisor here in my office was working his “magic” on her. I use the term VERY lightly because for those that are misguided and undecided I am sure his spiel works. But for any woman with even the least bit of sense and/or self-confidence, the game he spits is old & tired! So this young woman comes downstairs and immediately begins talking to the supervisor only as if I and my other young black female co-worker are not even here. She looked directly into my office and continued to only address him. As their pointless conversation drew on, my co-worker and began to notice that the questions the supervisor was asking were VERY pointed. He began to discuss how a Republican administration affects the federal government workers differently than a Democratic one. And she didn’t understand. She is a black woman that works in the office for one of Pres. Bush’s faith-based initiatives and once Bush is gone, so is she. He said you will see when Obama takes office.  She gasped and said: “OBAMA!?!?” He coolly responds: “Yeeeeeah!” He knew he had her then. He then begins to make stereotypical remarks talking about broadcasting urban radio over the loudspeaker in all the federal government facilities and other things that she had certainly discussed with her other ill-informed friends. He asks her if she is a Republican, she says: “Not really.” Which to me means: “Yes but because I am black I can’t admit it outright, but when I am with my majority white friends, I wear it loud & proud.” She confesses to be an independent. He then proceeds to tell her that he voted for Hillary (a bald faced LIE). She then explains that he is not the first black man that told her he didn’t vote for Obama. Now call me crazy but based on my initial impression of her, I don’t think she knows very man black men, despite her APPEARING to be a black woman. She then follows up with: “There is something not right with him… people aren’t checking into his background.”  Did she not know that he has written TWO books detailing his life and background? All the while I am sitting here both laughing and getting upset because he is slowly allowing her to show her whole hand. He then says: “Isn’t he a Muslim?” WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT!?!? She then says: “He says that he isn’t, but his father…”

At this point my coworker, had had ENOUGH! She stood up in her doorway and says: “Can you all get from in front of my door with that?” The young lady responds: “UH OH, OBAMA FANATICS!” She then had to be escorted from the office by the supervisor as she had ignited a fire that she could not put out. I had been quietly listening to the conversation wondering WHO this young lady was friends with and what they discussed in their conversations. How dare she make assumptions about US after she had come down here spouting her half-assed knowledge. Needless to say, when her work was ready to pick up yesterday, she went to my supervisor to retrieve it and did not dare step foot beyond his office door.

In the hippity hop community, swagger is a BIG thing. It is that air of confidence that a man has about him, that je ne sais quois that makes the ladies swoooooon. Some men just have a certain something that draws you in and it’s not their car or clothes or any of those tangible things. Swagger is in the intangible, in a man’s essence.

I have an acquaintance that had swagger when he was younger. He was fresh out of college with a degree in engineering, lots of connections and was headed somewhere. Now, 4 years later, he is older, still living with his parents and not working in his degreed area. He lost alllllll his swag and ambition as he aged & fell into a false sense of what GAVE him swag (that is short for Swagger for those of you in the cheap seats). He now thinks it is in his wallet.

That is not swagger, that is stagger. If you took away all signs of him having “money” he would stumble, fumble and fall. STAGGER! If you already had swagger, money enhances as long as you KNOW that YOU make the money and the money doesn’t make you. When you lose your swagger to your money, you have ceased being self-confident. And therefore, when your stacks are taken away, you stagger.

Prime example, my aforementioned acquaintance joined us on a trip to the Caribbean. The women outnumbered the men, the weather was wonderful, the rum was flowing like water & yet, he could not seal one deal. The women were of the mindset that whatever happened on vacation STAYED on vacation. And even with his BEST efforts, he could not get any of that vacation good-good. He asked me if he was sexy and as I looked at his terrible dental “work” (meaning he NEEDED some work DONE) I decided it was best NOT to answer. Afterall, I didn’t want to deflate his minimally inflated vacation swagger. But as I thought back on it, who was he kidding? If you have to ASK if you are sexy or swaggalicicious… then the answer is likely a resounding: NO!

When you have stagger, S-T-A-G-G-E-R , you are often propped up by material things. When all those material things that you pride yourself on are stripped away and you cannot seal the deal or even BEGIN to MAKE one…Know & trust that you are NOT Swaggtastic.

Take this as a lesson in Swagger, you swaggerless wannabes wandering aimlessly through life hoping to stumble into some confidence and a little je ne sais quois. Money doesn’t make the swagger, swagger makes the money!

I’m not hating, I’m just stating.

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Now playing: T.I. - We Do This
via FoxyTunes

I cannot lie, I was NOT big on politics until this year. I was granted the right to vote the same year as we elected Clinton into office. And as a resident of NC I helped keep Sen. Edwards in office. But never did I analyze a debate, discuss an election with my friends, or WORRY about election results before this 2008 election (technically I think it should be referred to by the year they get INTO office, 2009).

I have been reading, digesting, analyzing everything that has been going on. This is thanks in part to Tim Russert. To me, he didn’t play favorites. He asked the GOOD questions, the legitimate questions and he held the candidates accountable for whatever they said previously in other venues. This was my first year of really paying attention to Mr. Russert and for the minimum amount of time I knew OF him, I appreciated his straightforwardness and ability to get answers. He has been the only person to MAKE Hillary Clinton concede a point. And everyone knows that is NOT an easy job. I hope that in his sudden absence there is someone that can step up to the plate and keep us focused on the REAL election issues not the wives & pastors but the policies and procedures. WHEW! PLEASE!

I know that the political journalism world has lost a great man. I know that his friends, colleagues and constituents will miss him. I just hope that whoever TRIES to fill his shoes keeps it honest and unbiased!

Dear Senator Clinton,
SO glad you get to sit your ass down. Please take this time to do something meaningful with your Senate career (if you still have one). Please take this time to rock your husband’s mic SEVERAL times a day. Please take this time to get a facelift, a boob job & a Hollywood stylist. Please take this time to rest your screechy voice, drink some tea, read a book, clean your house, and hug your daughter. Please take this time to defrost that deep freezer you call a vagina and maybe even practice a little self-love. But most of all, please take this time to stay the HELL off my television.

Yours Truly,
EVERYONE WHO DIDN’T VOTE FOR YOU!

So, after 100 years of getting over on the judicial system and avoiding trial while still making hit records to pay for some of the shadiest lawyers on the planet. R. Kelly went to trial for being a peeing pedophile. After everyone saw the tape, commented on the tape, prayed for the man, boycotted his albums, bootlegged his music to avoid helping pay for his legal defense… the slimy singer got off. (pun intended)

He has been cold kicking it with the family of the alleged child in the case for YEARS. He has been calling out for help since the beginning of his career, but people were so busy bumping and grinding to his hits, they missed it. “Show me some ID before I get knee-deep & tell you I don’t see… nothin wrong…”

Hello, McFLY! what do you think he was saying here? He enjoys women that look dangerously close to being underage. DUH! He made a song telling heaven he needed a hung. But because he was still putting out the hits, his pleas went ignored. Money talks & bullshyt walks. Which is exactly why “Arrah” (that is how the country folk say it) bought the now 45 year old chick off & walked out of the courtroom a free man. He married Aaliyah for goodness sake! Now, unless he has gotten therapy, he is still attracted to younger women. I guess if he was attracted to boys THEN he would have to go into seclusion like MJ. But because deep down inside most men like hot-bodied teens (and preteens thanks to the hormones in the chicken!) R. Kelly got off. The minor in question is no longer a minor & told the jury it wasn’t her. R.’s lawyers swore it wasn’t him. So now, the question to ME is, WHO WAS THAT?

When that tape was found in the desert of the man molesting the little girl… all hell broke loose and all kinds of things were set into motion to get down to the bottom of it. But now that R. Kelly is NOT the man in the video according to our LOVELY & UNFAILING judicial system, no one cares who or what happened in that tape. Someone somewhere KNOWS it is them, *looking at R. Kelly & the little lying slut in the video*… so what is the REAL story behid the tape?

In all honesty, I never saw it. I know folks from Chicago & they told me he used to hang out outside of some high school there… That was enough for me. It doesn’t take much to convince me that a man likes younger women. So I thought the deal was sealed. But when it comes to famous MEN in the judicial system, black or white… You can get away with murder… *looking at OJ, Phil Spector & Robert Blake*. But being a  famous woman gets you NO such luck in lesser crimes like a little insider trading, right Martha? And I mean,  really, what’s a little perjury among friends, Lil Kim.

So I would like to just say congratulations R. for proving that a man with money is free to move about the country even if he’s black because the only color our court system sees is green.

I leave you with this:

Now you tell ME this looks like a man that likes full-grown women.

I’m not hating, I’m just stating. 

My name is Bri, Bri Cooley… Well ok, that’s not my REAL name, but it suits me juuuust fine. I don’t really have anything super awesome about me. I’m just funny according to my family & friends. I am sure you are thinking: “Oh, well in that case, how funny can she be?” My response: “Pretty damned funny.” My family & friends are what you would call a tough crowd. My friends are funny themselves depending on your idea of funny. They are petty… But not in the actual sense of the word. “Petty” as we use it refers to our talent of drawing attention to the details of a person’s appearance, personality, attitude, etc. in a humorous way. Humor is in the finer points. Remember that, it’s important.

I live in MD, just outside of DC. Literally a block from NE & about 5 or 6 blocks from good ole Montgomery County. My neighborhood is a melting pot of every culture imaginable. Within 5 miles of my house there are any number of peruvian, vietnamese, carribean, and soul food restaurants. I love to eat, so I live in the perfect place for that. I live in the neighborhood I grew up in after years of moving all over the drab and boring Southern Prince George’s area. I attended college in North Carolina and moved right back to the Metro area. I thought maybe I could survive in another city, but I realize there is no place I would rather be. I am a good ole boring government worker. I do improv, design, singing and writing “on the side” and I like eating, laughing, and the arts. Oh yeah, I am Black. Not that that MATTERS, but it may later, maybe, I don’t know.

Speaking of race, there is a very interesting trend I have noticed on television lately. Multiracial families in commercials. But not in a truly logical & believable way. I just saw a Commercial for Dixie paper plates. And there is a woman serving spaghetti to table full of children. The assumption is that the woman is Italian as she discusses her grandmother’s marinara. The children appear to be of some Western European descent I guess, the problem is, the WOMAN appears to be Black. Not that there aren’t Black Italians or that Italians don’t have olive skin, but it is just odd that they chose a woman of any possible racial background but cast children that do not look like her in any way, shape, form or fashion. I am all for multiracial families, you love who you love. But what was the thought pattern in choosing people that don’t look like they belong together with no obvious genealogical connection to play family members in a 30 second commercial with no real explanation. It just strikes me as odd.

During the winter holidays, I noticed there was always one white person at a black holiday table and one black person at a white holiday table. Who are these random people? Are we to assume someone invited a coworker with no family or the the little boy from down the street? Clearly these people stood out. I am just wondering why there was just ONE person. I would have loved to be in on that casting meeting, just to find out what they were thinking. Again not that it is wrong, but it is odd. I’m not hating, I’m just stating.

Check back soon & often, I am ready to let it all out!