Nov 19 2008
Unsolicited Advice
There have been some stories in the gossip blogs I subscribe to via Reader about celebrities that I am just feeling like they need help, some NON-yes men to guide them in the right direction, so in no particular order, here goes:
Tyra Banks:
You GO, girl; you do your thing; I ain’t mad atcha; do you, boo… and that other cliche slang meaning, I am half-assed encoraging you because I don’t REALLY like what you are doing, but hey, you are successful at it!
Yesterday I read Tyra “surprised” Miz Isis King of PG County with a gender-reassignment surgery. Tyra, baby, what are you doing? This isn’t a new car, or clothes, or toys. You are going the Extreme Makeover route, unsolicited. It’s not like Isis wrote in to your show & asked (or maybe (s)he did). Regardless, there is something so CRAZY about this surprise. Does Isis get to choose the doctor? Is there some sort of catalogue (s)he gets to peruse before deciding on a va-jay-jay? I am just totally confused by this “gesture”… I understand you want to be this generations Oprah, but somehow you are doing it wrong.
Lindsay Lohan:
Clearly your mom has not told you or you have not listened: SIT YOUR AZZ DOWN SOMEWHERE! I don’t care where OR with whom. Just sit! Be still! Be quiet! Be reflective! But for goodness sake BE GONE! I am so tired of seeing her raggedy face in every other blog I read. I don’t care if you are gay or if your are in the closet or if you are lost and turned out. I DO care that you are or SHOULD BE irrelevant yet you are constantly and consistently in my Reader looking like an oldt hoe! You are only 22 yet you look like you have more miles on you than a retreaded tire on a cross-country big rig. I hope you get a hold of yourself before you end up a tragic, sullen-faced, botoxed, detoxed hoe puff of mess on the 4th season of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab. Go to your quiet place & remain there until further notice.
Nick & Mariah:
I have broken my promise to myself that I would not discuss this mish-mash of a couple. But thanks to Black Snob I have had no choice but to look at this mess everyday. If they are happy, GREAT! If they are preggers, AWESOME! But why is their whole happy, preggers coupledom a gyadamm photo op???
Are you trying to convince ME or YOU?? HUH? Nick, you haven’t been CUTE since The Nick Cannon Show & you haven’t been RELEVANT since Drumline regardless of what your IMDB page says… You are wack and your “wife” is wacked out! I love love & I am all for it, but I also know love when I see it & neither of you are good actors… ok? ok. If you are really in love, I beg of thee to go softly into that good night & keep your maniacal. oh-my-gawd-look-at-us love to yourselves! please & thank you!
Kim Zsleazeback (UNreal Housewife of Atlanta):
A- you are not a wife, you are a jump-off…
B- You can’t sing… stop trying to be a country singer… That is like me waking up and wanting to be a world-class ice skater
c- you are NOT 29, not on this planet or any other… not even in reverse dog years!
D- You CANNOT SING!
For those of you with sense that REFUSE to get sucked into the cess pool that is Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim is the token white girl with the plastic Barbie wig setting atop her head… yes SETTING! She has 2 kids & an anonymous donor named Big Papa who gives her money in exchange for her “friendship”. She had once claimed to be engaged to this married man, but we know how THAT turns out, right?
Kim has befriended a fellow delusional housewife who, after 3 years of trying to get a divorce hopes to get 7 figures out of the deal. And I don’t think she means Partridge Family collectible dolls (if you include the band manager). My advice to Kim is STOP! Whatever you are doing, don’t! Whatever you may think is the next step, isn’t. Whatever you are dreaming of, wake up! You are a mother of two DAUGHTERS, they learn by example… be a better one! Get a life coach, I will do it… and if that doesn’t work, I have a friend we call Dr. Mimi who has a cure-all for what ails ya. I won’t go into detail now, but trust me her solution is sure-fire, but definitely a last resort!
And Kim, please use your credit cards to purchase a clue! because anytime you cannot interpret a conversation like this, you got issues:
I’m not hating, I’m just stating!
