Not hating, Just stating…

“Night or day they’re just not matching what they should do. Keep me feeling blue.” -The Spinners

Part one:

 I am a firm believer in doing what you say & saying what you’re gonna do. If you think that making me an empty promise is the way to keep me happy or hanging on, ya dead wrong! If you think that NOT saying something to me directly about something that will have an affect on me will keep me from getting upset, ya dead wrong!

Tell the truth upfront & let the chips fall where they may. Manipulating truth is lying, omitting parts of the truth is lying by omission, and just flat out lying is your ARSE! I hate being lied to like ANYONE, but most of all I hate being manipulated and having energy transferred to me that I don’t deserve. Transferring energy is a little like deflecting only there are only two people involved and the person to whom you are giving the business feels trapped in their own lie & tries to accuse you of something similar to their transgression in an effort to take the guilt off of them. This doesn’t work with me because I’M SMART! So why do it? Because you like to play games and manipulate situations to your advantage and when  mirror is held up to you, you refuse to look in it. It’s time to get off the playground & step into adulthood… I don’t want to play tag or hide-n-seek or monkey in the middle… You can have fun with someone without playing games.

Part two:

“Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone?”- Joni Mitchell

This is a recurring theme for me. We’re “dating”, “seeing each other”, “talking”, “hanging out”and for some reason I start to make “demands” of you that you cannot fulfill. Not ultimatums, or even real demands… just requests for simple things like quality time or a night out once in a while. (Who would remain interested in someone that never went out with them, right? only a fool or a sukka, right? RIGHT!) So I start to feel that the relating-ship (I use that term for the commitmentphobic folks so as not to have it confused with “relationship” which includes titles & responsibilities for each others feelings and general treating the other person like a human being) is slowly deteriorating & I bring it to your attention before it fizzles & fades. I am not an unreasonable person, I give it time to get fixed. BUt after I have brought it up a FEW times & am met with nothing but the aforementioned games, I let you know it’s not gonna work for me &  I get *GONE*. I don’t call like I used to, I don’t respond to you the way I used to & we definitely don’t do the things we used to. SUddenly and much too late you realize something is amiss… and it’s time to do soemthing about it. CORRECTION, it’s too late.

As a result of your game playing, you are now sitting there thinking about the way things used to be. *cue Joni*

“Don’t it always seem to go

That you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s *GONE*

They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot.”

As most of you have probably heard already, Miss Bea Arthur of Golden Girls fame has passed away.

I took some time to reflect on “friendship”. And after the weekend I have had, I REALLY know what friends are supposed to be. I know some folks, I have some close acquaintances, but as Gabby said on Desperate Housewives last night, there are friends with a LITTLE “f” & there are Friends with a BIG “f”. The Golden Girls were Friends. Everything was out in the open. There was no mistaking the fact that they thought Rose was dim… ROSE knew that but she also knew that they loved her anyway. There was no mistaking that they thought Blanche was a slut… Blanche KNEW she was but she also knew that they loved her no matter what.

Being a friend isn’t about “smile smile smile, fun fun fun” ALL the time. It is about being able to sit down over cheesecake & keep it REAL with each other. It is about looking someone in the eyes and telling them how you feel. And not from a place of judgement, but from a place of TRUE concern. THAT is the most important thing that I learned from the Golden Girls. Learning to be honest with yourself is the most important part of being a friend. Being able to ask yourself, why does this bother/concern me about this person. Am I truly concerned? Am I disappointed? Am I frustrated? Am I jealous? It is imperative to know where you stand within yourself and not try to convince yourself otherwise. When one of the Girls had a problem with the other. They went to one other person for a reality check and then, if necessary went to the person. Once the issue was on the table, discussed & concluded. That was it.

How awesome would that be? Let me tell you, when you have a Friend… it is awesome! This weekend I was able to spend time with close acquaintances, friends & Friends and it put so much into perspective for me. It gave me a CHARGE to know that when it all comes down to it, what REALLY matters is being together on one accord with no secrets, no pretense, no nonsense… JUST FUN! there COULD have been division, there COULD have been disdain, there could have been all of those things… But, at the end of the day: WHO CARES?

Bea, thanks for teaching me how to be stern, straightforward, and dryly hilarious… but most of all thanks for teaching me how to be a Friend!

I have been forced into finally getting this out.

I care about the Chris Brown & Rhianna incident. I do. I will discuss the possibilities & ramifications. I will.

But what I will not do is convict the boy based on reports of reports and third & fourth party information. What I KNOW: is something happened between them; Rhianna went into hiding; Chris Brown went into hiding; the DA has not brought a case against Chris Brown; Chris Brown is now persona non grata. That is IT!

All of these people going around talking about black eyes, contusions, unconciousness. You HEARD that… how does it make it true? I have heard stories from people in the music industry that are at both ends of the spectrum… how does that make it true? If you want to discuss domestic violence, then discuss that. If you want Chris Brown convicted of a crime, then you will just have to wait. People are up in arms over something that right now has a million angles and missing pieces. I just hope that these people that have found him guilty are right. Because if not, this child’s life as he knows it is ruined. But until he IS found guilty, I am not going to make him the poster child for Domestic Violence or fault him for keeping quiet. He has a case pending.

On the other hand, why hasn’t Rhianna said anything. Why hasn’t she spoken out against this allegedly ongoing abuse? Part of the problem with domestic violence is the woman not speaking up & out. Why is it either of their jobs to say ANYTHING? If you have a child that loves Rihanna or Chris Brown… YOU sit down & talk to them about domestic violence. YOU be the role model. Superstar or not they are both YOUNG and still learning about life & love. No one should expect them to be perfect, they are human. Think back to when you were 19 & 20 and the things that you said and did that should or could have gotten you into trouble. There but for the grace…

I have witnessed domestic violence from almost every angle, it is serious. This is why I am not announcing a verdict until I have all the credible evidence. If he did bite her, choke her, punch her, and leave her unconcious on the side of the road; then, with her cooperation the law will take care of that. If it turns out that MUCH of what has been alleged is untrue; then I pray that they both have learned a lesson from this and grow from it and this young man can put his life back together.

I have family, friends & acquaintances both male & female that have been involved in domestic violence incidents. Some went unreported, some were FALSELY reported, some charges were dropped by the alleged victim but were still prosecuted by the state. It is just interesting to me how stars much older than these two have been accused of similar crimes and then some, but people took the wait & see approach. But not in this case. I in no way excuse domestic abuse of any kind verbal, physical, emotional. But I also recognize that the abusive person is not always the man. I have seen it enough to know.

I am not taking up for Chris Brown or Rihanna, I am simply saying. The FACTS are listed above… everything else is speculation, rumors, lies, and hearsay. You are welcome to have your OPINION. But please, stop losing friendships and getting all out of sorts over a YOUNG man & YOUNG woman who wouldn’t even know you if they saw you on the street.

Please & thank you… I bid you good day!

Houston, WE have a problem!

For the most part, my girls are 30, attractive, educated, and SINGLE! How can that be? I am not going into the “there are no good men anymore” MESS because there still are. But recognizing him and letting him BE a good guy, therein lies the problem. We have decided that we are now jaded.

 jade- intransitive verb: to become weary or dulled

We have spent so much time with the WRONG men. We have male friends that we have seen do the WRONG things. And now… we’re 30 (well not me, not quite) and trying to reprogram ourselves, unjade our minds, and let somebody love our asses! We have had to talk ourselves out of self-sabotage. Out of doing those things that will ultimately leave us alone.

I had an amazing weekend with an amazing FRIEND. He was male and there is something there, but this man I can truly say has a good spirit, a friendly vibe. It has been some time since I was truly friends first with a man. And now, I don’t even know how to get along with someone who just wants to get along with me. I find myself wanting to find something WRONG. Making up faults that don’t matter while overlooking the traits that do. Which is in contrast to my previous habit of overlooking the faults that matter while making up the traits that DON’T! I realize this, I recognize this, I am recovering from this.

We have been being honest with ourselves over the past few days, my girls & I.  There are things that we should be doing and the first step is admitting that. The next step? Not sure, but I am ready to move upwards and onwards. I am ready to BE that mature woman, I thought I was when I was dealing with those that weren’t emotionally mature. I now know that as my girl “J” said: it shouldn’t be so hard meshing two lives. I now know that sometimes love does hurt sometimes and can be hellish but it doesn’t have to be that way all the time. I now know that I am not as emotionally evolved as I thought I was, but I can be. I am ready to be. Ready to be loved properly. Ready to love properly. Ready to do the right things and say the right things and have the right things happen for me & to me.

*sigh* I want to spend less time worrying and more time enjoying… no, really, I mean it this time.

Allow me to get serious with you, just for a moment.

I was in church last Sunday and the topic was Hi, Hater… Interesting, I know.
But it was about the story of Joseph and how after his brothers had done all of these terrible things to him, he still forgave them. They put him in a pit, they sold him into slavery, and he still persevered, came home & forgave them. WOW! That is like superhuman, right? That was what I was thinking. Until the minister broke it down like this:
Forgiveness:
- helps us get rid of unwanted baggage… you can lug things around in your spirit and just like at the airport when your bag is too heavy, you will pay for it! (I took that from Minister Bill Lee, I can’t even lay claim to that nugget!)

- helps you embrace something new… Joseph was the youngest when he was sold into slavery and when he returned, he found out he had a younger brother and he embraced him. Had he not come backand forgiven them, he would have never known, get it? GOOD!

- helps you restore what was lost… Sometimes you can hold a grudge for so long that you are not even yourself anymore. Once you have forgiven someone and released that negative energy and attitude all kinds of things will come back to you.

Just a little something to think about… I’m not preachin, that ain’t my ministry… idonthink… I am just passing on some words that I needed to hear & I hope YOU recieve it too. If you care to read about the story it’s in Genesis 45: 1-6(or 18 depending on how much YOU want to read lol)

I’ll be back with more shenanigans, PROMISE! But first I got a WHOLE LOT of forgiving to do!

When you are in love…. the dumbest things seem smart.

… the easiest things seem hard.

… the smallest things seem huge.

… the shortest amounts of time seem like eternities.

… the closest things seem distant.

And guess what… it is. Everything old is new again and until you are no longer in love, nothing anyone says can save you from yourself.

And guess what… it is okay. If you aren’t getting crackhead thin, or ginormously obese and you aren’t contemplating suicide or homicide and you are able to see the forest from the trees but choose instead to focus on just one plant, it happens.

You can’t beat yourself up over it & you can’t let people convince you that you are the ONLIEST one to have been there. Sometimes you have to learn your own lessons full-on in order to really learn the lesson. The most important thing is to know what the lesson is & learn from it.

I have been writing & rewriting this blog for DAYS, bare with me will ya?

Van Hunt has a song called Down Here In Hell (With You) and it SPEAKS TO ME!

I really love it when
I love it when we make mistakes
Because once again
It gives me a reason to complain

I love the battle lines
The battle lines we draw and cross in the mud
Ooh, I love it when we fight
Standin’ on the verge of breakin’ up or makin’ love

What would I do if we were perfect?
Where would I go for disappointment?
Love without pain would leave me
Wonderin’ why I stay?

I think of savin’ myself
But with nothin’ to complain about up in Heaven
What would I do?
I think of savin’ myself
But I really wanna work it out
Down here in hell with you

Magic carpet ride
It don’t have to last forever
I know we shouldn’t fly so high
But the closer to the sun we go, the better

See, I wanna make you feel the fire
Wanna burn you with my bad days
Ooh, I wanna be unsatisfied
So you can feel the heat comin’ from me, baby

What would I do if we were perfect?
Where would I go for disappointment?
Words without hate would leave me nothin’ left to say

And I think of savin’ myself
But with nothin’ to complain about up in Heaven
What would I do?
I think of savin’ myself
But I really wanna work it out
Down here in hell with you

When I first heard this song I really wanted to feel like this about someone. I have always loved the happy jolly love is lovely love songs, but as a believer in love, I know that love isn’t always so lovely. You don’t know what the sun really feels like unless you have stood in the rain. I can spout a whole bunch of cliche bologna, but it all comes down to this: love has to have a downside otherwise, how do you know it is love?

I haven’t really had a relationship in YEARS so this was all speculation up until this point. I have recently found this to be true. But only when the feeling is mutual. If you are the only one in hell and then the only one in 7th Heaven, that ain’t love, baby.

But, take a moment and read the words and mull it over and TRUST if you have ever REALLY known love, these words will ring so true, you will actually SMILE! It’s really not a sad song, if you  know like I know…